The saints in paradise teach that the start
Of drawing near is to renounce the heart.

- Farid ud-din Attar

and when i think about the reasons why i am struggling, i failed to realise that the first step to bettering myself and my position, is to nurse the condition of my heart. for how can i expect to be guided if the heart is in no condition to accept His Light?

........

i have found the perfect solution to a writer's block.

i'll be ceasing all activities on this journal.

and i seek your help,

keep me in your prayers, for my journey towards His Grace is one paved with multitudes of challenges i struggle to bear.

so before i end,

i seek your forgiveness for all of my shortcomings, surely i am full of them, and for all the failings of this journal. i have been frivolous with my time, bestial in my thoughts and deeds and clearly in need of a spiritual uplifting to mend my ways. forgive me for my many harsh words, my presumptious ways and all the spite and envy i kept towards any of you. may we find it within us to better ourselves so that He may view us favourably at the end of days.


Ameen.



"sampai kapankah
aku mampu bertahan
tetapi aku jalani
semua kisah hidupku ini

tak akan terganti
setiap kenangan yang telah terukir
kan terekam indah
dan melekat di hati

akankah berakhir
semua rasa yang telah tercipta
di dalam benakku
dan di dalam asa ku"

i get upset at people who tell me there is something i lack but never offer to teach me or suggest ways in which i can learn. well then i guess i should go find my own teachers because clearly the ones i look for answers to aren't keen on sharing. :( that's just downright disappointing, not to mention, insulting.

so today there was a ceramah after terawih and the ustaz was narrating how heaven is awaiting the arrival of the faithful in Ramadhan and how the bidadari in heaven all look forward to make husbands the believers on earth.

and then i prayed that my husband would be among the ones they are waiting for. ;)

my nose is a broken tap. i wonder if harun can prescribe me some antibiotics.

the trip to kl was super fly. i think i did what i sought to do. to be honest i wasn't half as interested in the topics covered, and slept pretty much all throughout the forums and presentation. haha. that's partly because i was up the previous night either surfing in the canteen, having supper at PJ or in meetings preparing for the presentation. what i wanted to do was to network, which is a cold and jargonic way of saying "making friends". and hell, i did!

i made friends with the people in nus whom i've never met before, but now am thankful to have had the opportunity to get to know e.g. yin hwa for his tell-the-taxi-driver-to-fuck-off and wave-to-those-in-queue-at-taxi-stands-cos-we-got-one-by-the-road antics. and i met a variety of personalities from vietnam, hongkong, australia, thailand, taiwan, yemen and even sudan and kenya! *waves at abdi* and of course, the locals. [no, i still don't know what to think of the fact that they think i am one of them, but it sure is cool to ride cheaper than yinhwa]

i really have to thank the malaysians for proving to me that we are in essence, one and the same. and there were many a times during the course of the symposium when i was ashamed of the traits singaporeans portray which pales shades in comparison to our neighbouring counterparts. the malaysians i met were more hospitable, deeply caring and conscientious individuals. i learnt a lot from them. surprisingly, those are qualities which was once so pervasive in our own singaporean culture but now eroded by self-importance and ignorance.

cheers to the organising committee headed by christine. they certainly proved to me that professionalism among student organisations is neither an idealistic concept nor one which relies on experience.

i'm still missing gys '08. and though i didn't manage to snag meself an anak dato'[damn the term break!], at least anwar won the by-elecs! *snarls at hasan*

pictures will be up on facebook once it decides not to fuck up. :)

thanks to everyone who's made the experience sweeter than expected. i can't name all of you because my memory would do some of you injustice. God bless.

call/sms me at +60 149332789.

i am damn bored here.

but at least i get to stay in a boy's hostel block. this morning i saw a boy half naked walking to the toilet with a towel on.

not so exciting.

and i ate beef chilli cheese fries at carl's junior. yummy.

UM boys have yet to stun me. The girls all remind me of hasan. haha.

so here i am at the canteen of 12th residential college [a.k.a. hall 12] at 1am in the morning cos its the only place with a strong wifi signal. the workers just mopped my feet and the tv is showing olympics women's bmx. i went to catch the fireworks competition earlier on at putrajaya and it was stunning. but i felt a tad miserable. i have always watched fireworks with close friends and family. suddenly i feel...homesick. nani nak maaakkkkk!!!

and i only spent rm1 today. on a cup of bandung at putrajaya pasar malam. food was provided for the day's meals and i am still full from yesterday's subway+carl'sjr junk.

everyone here thinks i am from UM. and i can pass off as a local so i won't get cheated on taxi fares. -_- never has my malay been tested. today i actually used "merangkumi", "ditempatkan" and "senarai" in complete oral sentences. my mandarin was also tested when some PRC tourists wanted to take pics with me at putrajaya.

meeting pmium tomorrow. i'm so nervous, faisal, the secretary, has been trying to convince me via sms that they are humans too the whole night. haha. they are actually going to permatang pauh on sat to [support?] catch the elections cos anwar's contesting. i feel like going with them!! if only i don't have to do a presentation.

God bless all of you reading this and i just want to say that i miss all of you already. hmmm. especially squeeze@engine!

hahahaha

waaah, missing 4 days of lessons! damn.

but thankful to His Grace, i got all of my desired tutorial slots. of which i hope my tutor for PS1101E is my dearest Badawi. *praysprayspraysprays*

i'll be back sunday evening insyaAllah. i'll be bringing my laptop, so you can skype/msn me, and will be having a prepaid number which i will put up here, once i get connected in kl, if you need to call me. i know some of you will miss my voice. as much as you miss my hair. ****ers.

don't worry, i know i'll miss some of your voices too. *hinthint* not fairus' amok voice of course. never give that boy a microphone.

baru gi 6 hari dah macam belayar sepuluh tahun. and kl is so...familiar. i can just run over to nek teh's house if i get scared of momok under my bed at night. eh shit. shouldn't have brought that up.

ok so just pray for my safe journey to and back, and for my safety for the duration of the symposium. can can? many thanks. :)

and khairi's back. like finally.

azhar(mech engine), fahmi and i want to plan a day trip to batam, not cos we know azhar's a virgin(lol), but because we've never been there and just want to see what's there. join us! who knows, maybe azhar will return a.....haha, just joking. *slaps azhar's back*

on the bus home just now azhar and i had a nice chat about matters of the heart. we were being frank and personal about our attitudes and experiences and i think it really helped to reaffirm my beliefs. that i shouldn't get lost or too caught up[not that i think i am] in finding/choosing the right one when it is His love that i should work hard to earn. and make a priority above all else. i am still finding my way around things, and i can never be more thankful that He has brought certain individuals into my life to guide me along, whether they are conscious of it or not. :)

so though currently i am nursing a squeeze who's from engine[now, now i believe this phrase has been carefully scrutinized by some, and it's probably not whom you think it is, kejap lagi fairus mesti tanye siape. ] that is just something i'm using to spend my lull time on. i know i should be spending free thought time on God but i sure am distracted by the one who can do [almost]everything under the sun! oh how attractive! *chope chope*

like i've repeated many times before, siape dapat pikat hati nani sure bertuah punye. how many girls actually keeps every newspaper article on leeds united since 1999? huh? huh? dah lah tu can give you financial and fashion advice, will let you steal her food and lets you get a higher cap score. [/self promo] tapi bab man utd fan tu susah sikit nak telan la. i can't possibly be with someone when everytime i see his face i'll see rooney/fergie. itu muka mintak kene tapak je. end of story.

naib baik squeeze@engine not man utd fan. wheee.

ok dah.

sape2 nak kirim bende ciplak dari petaling sila hubungi saya. kalau tak dapat chewing gum je. lol.

seee youuu from KL!

school started on tuesday for me and by the end of that day i managed to blow $40. and that wasn't on essentials like texts, notes, files etc.

the best reaction i got from my newly betudung-ed status was from zul. he gave me the classic tengkorak face [that was what we called him back in secondary school]. it was as if he had witnessed a mindblowing catastrophe. all those kicks to the head from silat must have done something. haha. mintak mahap eh zul, gurau je.

and business school cannot get any worse when it comes to showering me with eye candies. kalau aku jantan takpe la, berlambak betina2 pakai kasut setinggi gunung stong jalan terkedek2. but it's only midweek so we'll wait and see. things are so bad my current squeeze is from engine. yikes!

i still have no idea how my modules will turn out.

but first day of school was also first ngaji session. which lasted half an hour because tok ngaji had to go off and sing. -_- anyway, i'm really excited about re-ngajiing cos i'm starting from the very very very beginning and it's hilarious to see me stumble at the most basic of pronounciations. do join me if you want to! my mum highly encourages that and advises me "lebih baik kalau ramai ramai". won't it be great if she had said that about the no.of boyfriends she'll allow me to have? considering how right now it stands at zero-but-i-don't-really-care-cos-you-don't-seem-to-care-yourself. but seriously, of course i am ashamed about how i haven't taken ngaji seriously since my old tok ngaji passed away and looking at my state now i am just grateful that He still allows my tongue to bend it like Beckham. haha. dah lah tu, dah tua bangka nak mampos baru nak pakai tudung. tsk3. just pray that it's not all too late for me ya?

and then the sect from pmium replied! so exciting. like finding a long lost sibling!

AGM this friday. do come.

see you!

Damn, it's been a while!

and fret not, RS1101F will be up soon. This time let's see if i have what it takes to pen advice on how girls should treat boys. i abashedly had no defensive comments when my lunch mates today claimed that "sometimes, girls can be real bitches". maybe it's because i believe so too. afterall, i have been one.

i'm leaving for kl in 2 weeks time but i have yet to plan anything. the other nus delegates are busy planning transport and brainstorming presentation ideas but i have chosen to lay back and go there by myself. i just really just want to network with the foreign students. and skip some lame tourist activities so that i have time to go meet some student activists. i'm worried about missing 4 days of school too. but if i don't do these things now, i'll never do them.

before you know it, it's Shaaban already. i am unsure if i am prepared for ramadhan considering how last year's was the harshest ramadhan ever for me personally. but these things don't wait for you i guess. they just hit you and you have to deal with it whether you are prepared or not. of course i'll pray that i will be able to reap all of its benefits by intensifying the ibadah.

so can you feel its coming?

;)

I was reading a friend's blog and she inspired me to write this. also cos i feel that my journal is really boring, i have lost all my ability to write sensationally and that i should prove to myself that a good nani read does not necessarily have to be about sex nor filled with vulgarities from all major languages of the developed world.

what you're about to read is written specially for boys. there are two kinds of boys. those who think they are men, and those who just. dont. think.

whatever is written represents the views of the writer and the writer only, you are free to agree or disagree and form opinions of your own and share them with me. and many thanks to my lovely friend who has inspired these words.

( RS1101M )

i was surfing around for more info on the recently departed isra' mikraj (which i thought fell on 27july when it was on 30july) and the upcoming nisfu shaaban when i came across another article.

do share with me your thoughts. if u have any. i don't think i have to make any disclaimer on this one. i trust that you know who i am and what i am not.

:P